Is Saying People Are Stupid Over and Over Again Are Bullying

"What to say to a bully" is a topic many students, educators, and parents search for. And 31 schoolhouse-bullying-prevention difference makers have insight that can assist.

Lots of people struggle with the question of "what to say to a bully." And then we asked 31 thought leaders in bullying prevention this question:

You witness a kid engaging in bullying beliefs. Yous accept an opportunity to say one judgement to them. What is information technology?

Here are their answers. You'll find many ideas, lots of consensus, and some differences. Mutual themes include explicitly saying "Finish!", questioning the behavior, sparking empathy, and offering help.

Keep in mind that guiding positive behavior change in most circumstances is, of course, a process. Equally you know, at that place's rarely a quick fix or a 1-size-fits-all approach for anything.

That said, nosotros promise the following statements and insights will assist you through the procedure of reducing bullying.

How to respond to bullying: 31 good ideas

SAY "STOP!" 🛑

Eight experts said to say "STOP!" simply and directly.

"Cease doing this — no i deserves to be treated this way!"
— Ross Ellis, Founder, Stomp Out Bullying | Listen to Ross'south insight

Ross adds:

One word would be an administrative "Finish."

1 sentence: "Stop doing this — no one deserves to be treated this way!"

They should and so take the arm of the victim and lead them abroad, fifty-fifty if the cracking is withal talking.

"Stop. We need to talk."
— Jim Dillon, Founder, The Eye for Leadership and Bullying Prevention

Jim adds:

I want to immediately stop someone from being hurt, and I would need to inform the person who was doing it that at that place would be followup.

Beyond establishing those two things, what I would say and practice next depends a lot upon several things: the blazon/severity of the bullying, my relationship with the student who is bullying, and the situation/environment in which it is happening.

In many cases after I made sure the bullying stopped, I might determine that the educatee who was bullied might need more firsthand attention than the pupil who was bullying. I would accept to assess my resources at the moment since bullying takes place when many other things are happening that often cannot exist put on hold; i.eastward., I would need to see what other adults were around to help me address the problem.

"Stop, you accept no thought what your actions tin can cause someone else to do and the cost for finding out is more than than you or anyone should ever accept to pay."
— Kirk Smalley, Founder, Stand for the Silent

"End! Yous're hurting him/her!"
— Beak Belsey, President and Founder of bullying.org

Bill adds:

Bullying is emotional. Aggressors and victims of bullying literally aren't thinking rationally. Bullies use others to constitute the power and control they want.

About bullying happens when peers are together, nearly xc% of the time, but most bullying will stop in less than 10 seconds when peers intervene to befriend those beingness bullied.

This means that those who witness bullying accept the power to terminate it and cannot go on to give bullies power by beingness silent bystanders. Speaking loudly calls attention to a bullying trouble and can help prevent it from getting worse.

What should bystanders say to the bully? "Stop! You're hurting him/her!" They should non confront the bully further; they should befriend the victim and walk away. This can be very hard to exercise on your own. Try to have at least one or two friends with you for support.

"I demand yous to stop treating X that way. It's hurtful and completely inappropriate."
— Marc Brackett, Ph.D., Director, Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence | Mind to Marc's insight

"Stop and think about what yous're saying."
— Sue Scheff, Founder, Parents' Universal Resources Experts (P.U.R.E.) | Listen to Sue's insight

Sue adds:

I would immediately attempt to de-escalate the situation. Depending on the historic period of the children and the circumstances, I would ask them to consider how they would experience if someone was treating them the way they were treating the victim. I am someone that believes there is a learning experience in all situations — and hopefully the dandy and the victim tin walk abroad shaking hands.

"Cease that. You are bothering and offending me when you carry that style, and we don't do that hither. I know you can behave better than that."
— Elizabeth Englander, Founder, Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Heart

"Excuse me, it'southward not OK to make fun of another person (or whisper behind their back or exclude someone). That's not how we treat people at this school. Please terminate."
— Michele Borba, Author, micheleborba.com

Michele adds:

Start past addressing the behavior — what you lot see — and and then emphasize the damage it causes the whole schoolhouse climate — not only the child. You can get into more specifics later. The get-go is a calm, directly bulletin that addresses a clearly inappropriate, hurtful behavior.

Explicitly proverb "Stop" is clear, straight, and elementary. The word can exist pivotal to utilise as an developed, and equally you lot saw in Ross Ellis'south response above, STOMP Out Bullying recommends it for kids too — in situations where they feel safety and comfortable using it. Here'due south their whole tip canvass on Bullying and What You Tin Exercise Nigh Information technology. The Anti-Defamation League likewise has a great resource for kids called x Means to Respond to Bullying [PDF].

Ask "WHY?"

Two experts said they'd say but one word, asking just i question.

This beliefs-questioning approach reminds me of something we teach here at CPI — which is viewing not the person as a problem, but their behavior as what requires change.

"Why?"
— Pernille Ripp, Founder, Global Read Aloud

Pernille adds:

There is always a story; in that location is always a reason, and it is our chore to get to the lesser of it and to assist the not bad end and the victim heal.

"​Why?"
— Dr. Justin Patchin, Co-Director, Cyberbullying Enquiry Center

Justin adds:

I don't know if I would say anything to the kid doing the bullying. I would more probable go upwardly to the kid who was being targeted and remove him from the situation and make sure he knew I was a resources for him. If anything, the one sentence I would say to the child engaging in the bullying behaviors might be boiled downward to one word: "Why?" Of form this is my 30-something self responding. It is quite different for teens who are put in this situation.

"Why?" is a dandy place to start — because behavior is a class of communication. It's up to us every bit adults to listen to bullying behaviors and become to the root of what the student who'south doing the bullying is really trying to say.

No question — a kid who'southward bullying might outwardly say, "You lot're stupid, you're ugly, you're worthless," but what's underneath that is where the solution lies. That is, the roots of a behavior can assist you predict its path, intervene finer, and forestall future bullying.

Information technology's also of import to remember that bullying is a learned behavior. If you work with hurt people, you know how mutual it is that people who hurt others have been hurt themselves, sometimes horrifically so. Again, it's about looking to the roots every bit the central place to promote good for you growth and positive change.

SPARK EMPATHY

Eight experts said they'd urge a kid who's bullying to put themselves in the recipients' shoes. And of form there's all kinds of evidence that social and emotional learning (SEL) — including salubrious empathy — is a key to increasing the quality of relationships and decreasing problem behavior.

"Imagine if someone just said (or did) exactly what you just did to someone y'all really love and care well-nigh."
— Raychelle Lohmann, Author, The Bullying Workbook for Teens

"What you're doing is hurting someone, but I understand you're struggling besides."
— Deborah Temkin, Child Development Scientist | Listen to Deborah'due south insight

Deborah adds:

One of the things we have to recognize is that bullying does not happen in isolation. Kids peachy for many reasons, whether as a response to trauma or stress in their lives, or equally a way to gain popularity and status based on the norms at their school. They may non even realize what they are doing is really pain someone else.

It's often non as simple equally telling a child who is bullying non to exercise it. Nosotros accept to requite them the tools to accost the reasons why they're bullying and modify the climates that reinforce the behavior.

"How would you experience if someone did this to you and what will you do to make things right?"
— Nancy Willard, Founder, Cover Civility in the Digital Historic period

"You never know what somebody might be going through; they could exist existence abused at home or going through a death in the family, and your actions and words could be the thing to push them over the edge. It's non worth it."
— Tyler Gregory & Scott Hannah, National Spokespersons, Groovy American No Bull Challenge

"Do you realize that your behavior is not nice? Have yous stopped to think how your beliefs is affecting her/him? How do you recollect you would feel if another child did that to you?"
— Dr. Dorothy Espelage, Cracking Expert | Listen to Dorothy's insight

"If someone did that to you lot, what would you say to them?"
— Joey Katona, Civilization of Empathy Architect, startempathy.org

"You never know a person's struggle, so treat people with kindness; your cruel actions could send them over the edge."
— Unkle Adams, Motivational Rapper

"Would you like it if this was happening to your younger brother?"
— Alexandra Penn, Founder, Champions Confronting Bullying

Alexandra adds:

Assuming the target is smaller than the bully, I would get betwixt the ii of them and ensure that nobody is injure. Then, I would suggest the bully imagine how he would experience if he saw this happening to his younger brother. Would he similar information technology? What would he do?

I would schedule separate follow-up meetings with the target and the bully and a third coming together that has the neat apologizing to the target. I would as well inform both sets of parents, separately. I would then check in with the target in a couple of weeks to confirm that he is rubber.

For more about the role of empathy, check out Bullying in School by Dr. Terry Ehiorobo, a schoolhouse primary and education professor.

Dr. Ehiorobo points out that reflective interviews help kids who bully recollect well-nigh how their actions touch their victims. He first meets lone with the pupil who'southward doing the bullying and asks them to reflect on their behavior. He then has them encounter in his office with the student they've bullied.

"Making things right with the victim lessens the neat's sense of ability and control over the victim," Dr. Ehiorobo writes. "This process also allows me to empower the victim and provide him with new tools of confidence and assertion."

By the fashion, are y'all an empathic educator? Have the quiz!

SAY THAT THE BEHAVIOR IS Non RIGHT, OK, OR ALLOWED

Iv thought leaders said they'd tell a educatee clearly that bullying is not OK.

"No more, not here, never."
— Barbara Coloroso, Founder, Kids Are Worth It

Barbara adds:

If I saw a kid being mean, I would approach them and say in a very firm voice, "No more than, not here, never. That was mean; that was fell. This playground (bus, hallway, classroom) is a safe harbor for every kid."

That'due south the beginning of stopping the beliefs, then the follow-up is to hold those doing the acts accountable, and to assure the kid who was targeted that I am hither for them, and I care, and I will help them avoid succumbing to the bullying.

"We don't do that here."
— Susan Swearer, Manager, Empowerment Initiative

Susan adds:

This line came from a group of kids who were telling me about a boy who was bullying them on the playground and so he learned to cease bullying.

I asked, "Why practice you lot think he stopped?" The kids told me that they said to him: "We don't do that hither."

"Hey human being, you don't have to care for people like that. That own't right."
— Travis Brown, Founder, Mojo Up Anti-Bullying Program

Travis adds:

I e'er like to keep information technology existent simple. And I would say something like, "Hey man, that's not cool." Or, "Hey human being, you don't have to treat people like that. That ain't correct." Something simple that is even less confrontational.

But I besides teach the iii things that students can do:

Number 1 is yous can step in. If you're comfortable, you tin can pace in, and you lot personally can say something to that person that's the swell.

Second matter is you can attain out. That means reach out to the person who'southward beingness bullied, attacked, or talked near and but let them know that you're a friend, you lot're there for them, and you tin can be there for them long-term.

The 3rd thing is to become help, and that means achieve out to a principal, advisor, teacher, or autobus and let them know what'due south happening so they tin can arbitrate in the situation.

So pretty simple ways to really make an impact, make a difference. All you gotta practice is Mojo Upwardly, because you make a departure.

"It's not okay to say that to someone in my classroom. Are nosotros clear?"
— Signe Whitson, Author, 8 Keys To Stop Bullying: Strategies for Parents & Schools | Listen to Signe'southward insight

Signe adds:

Many adults struggle with finding the "right" words to say to a immature person engaged in bullying behavior. Truthfully, the nearly constructive messages are the ones delivered in nether 15 seconds, such as:

• "It's not okay to say that to someone in my classroom. Are we clear?"
• "Sending that kind of text is unacceptable. Are we good?"
• "Leaving 1 child out of the grouping is not going to work. Allow'south fix this and move on."

Brief messages take the distinct advantage of sending a clear bulletin to the child who is bullying that their behavior will not exist tolerated while, at the same fourth dimension, definitively signaling to a vulnerable child that they're safe and take the bankroll of a trustworthy adult. Moreover, cursory statements don't humiliate anyone just do let everyone know that the adult is attuned to social dynamics and non afraid to footstep in to bring an finish to bullying.

Information technology's important to ensure that the kid who's doing the bullying knows which behaviors are wrong, why they're wrong, and what the consequences are. Setting clear expectations and limits helps kids who bully learn to brand better choices nearly how they treat others — and it helps kids who are existence bullied feel safer.

This resource from EduRef.org encourages adults to teach kids what types of behavior are OK and what "a prophylactic school environment" truly means.

TELL THE PERSON THAT YOU Desire TO TALK

Three experts said they'd start a conversation about stopping brutal behavior.

"We need to talk."
— Julie Hertzog, Director, Pacer'south National Bullying Prevention Heart | Heed to Julie's insight

Julie adds:

It is so important that you exercise say something to those involved in the beliefs, that you exercise accept action. To not address information technology, to non say that one sentence, your silence sends the clear message to the person bullying that their behavior is acceptable and inside the norms. To the person beingness bullied, your silence implies that they are not safe in that environment. If we as adults don't enforce and encourage the social norms, who volition?

And what should that one sentence exist? It can be as uncomplicated as "nosotros need to talk." That style, depending on the immediacy of the state of affairs, you can accost it right then, talking with each of those involved independently or subsequently. Information technology is important that those involved have the opportunity to share their story. Also of import is to not make assumptions. Behavior is complicated, especially when it comes to aggressive acts, and at that place can frequently be more to the story than what lies on the surface.

"I'd like to talk to you, may I?"
— Emily-Anne Rigal, Author, Flawd: How to Stop Hating on Yourself, Others, and the Things That Make Yous Who You Are

Emily adds:

Ane-on-1 with someone is where it's possible to make a real difference. In a business firm yet not-shaming way I'd ask what'due south going on with them.

And and so I'd be prepared to actually listen. Because people who bully are people, besides — hurt people, and "hurt people hurt people."

Hurt people who seek to hurt others demand to know there are other ways to manage their injure.

"Tell me, please, what'south making you so angry that you desire to get back at him/her?"
— Annie Fox, Founder, Cruel's Non Absurd! | Listen to Annie's insight

Annie adds:

By giving kids (and adults) opportunities to express their destructive emotions (anger, hurt, jealousy, rejection, fear, frustration) to people who are really listening, we assist them go back in control of their emotions while helping them think more conspicuously nigh their options for getting their needs met.

It'due south crucial that kids have adults who they feel comfortable talking to, and that our responses are helpful and respectful — even when the bullying itself is definitely non respectful. That's the essence of Rational Detachment and the Integrated Experience: My attitudes and behaviors affect yours, and vice versa. And I tin't command your behavior, but I can command how I answer to your behavior.

Taking the time to really heed volition help you better sympathize where the child is coming from. And by modeling respect yourself, yous have the power to assistance them beginning showing respect too.

It's also important that your school policy — or your child's school'due south policy — exist clear nearly communication, definitions, reporting, and expectations. Here'south one district's policy on bullying [PDF] that could help if it'due south time to refine your own. (And if you already accept a good one, please share in the comments your procedure, expertise, or achievements! 🙌🏽)

Admit WHAT THE PERSON IS TRYING TO ACHIEVE

Two bullying prevention advocates said they'd tell a kid who'southward bullying that they recognize what the kid is trying to do, experience, or attain.

"I know bullying that girl gives you this 'high' and makes you feel all-mighty and powerful. But the truth is, a few years from now when you abound up, have kids of your own, and expect back on what you lot've just washed, I hope y'all won't feel all-mighty or powerful; you volition but await in the mirror and feel sad."
— Tyler Stricker, Founder, Loftier Schoolhouse Fat Ass

"Your abuse of others does not make you amend."
— Anna Bucy, Anti-Bullying Advocate, annabucy.com

This very head-on approach reminds me of Grabbing a Bully by the Horns past Dr. Kathleen Briseno. In the commodity, Dr. Briseno emphasizes that there's a reason why someone bullies.

To get to the root of the beliefs, she recommends asking yourself these questions:

• What's going on in their life that makes them plough to bullying?
• What practise they have to proceeds?
• What do they have to lose?

Offer Help

Iii experts (ii of whom were bullied every bit kids themselves) said they'd offer the person who's doing the bullying some much-needed help. All three suggested or outright said that they wouldn't give up on the person, and one said she'd assistance the person channel their power into positive outlets.

It's mutual for people who are fierce to have learned somewhere forth the way that power is finite, and that if they don't exert ability over others, they will be overpowered themselves. This is of course continued to the "hurt people hurt people" reality that Emily-Anne Rigal shared above.

Pedagogy past example that "ability given is power gained" is, well, a powerful way to empower people to replace problem beliefs with positive behavior.

"You don't need to be this kind of person. You have the power to make the earth better, so let'due south figure out how you lot're going to employ that ability."
— Emily Lindin, Founder, The Unslut Project

"Y'all wanted attention and now you lot have mine. Bullying him volition non relieve the hurt you're feeling. Simply I can certainly help."
— Fabianna Pergolizzi, President and Founder, Project Anti-Dandy

Fabianna adds:

When I was a loftier schoolhouse senior and Projection Anti-Bully was in its preliminary steps, I witnessed a freshman boy being shoved into a locker by another taller freshman boy. In that location was a group of students watching this happen and doing absolutely nothing to help the young pupil. I walked correct up to the freshman bully and said, "You wanted attention and now you have mine. Bullying him will not salvage the hurt y'all're feeling. Merely I can certainly help."

Shocked, he allow become of the other student and was rendered speechless.

This bully's proper noun is Tom. Tom is one of my primary spokespersons for Project Anti-Bully. He tells students around the world that nosotros must enhance awareness of the emotional experiences the bully feels besides. For him, bullying was a main grade of release for his emotional distress. Both boys became nifty friends and were roommates throughout all of college.

"Though I cannot assure you lot that I can prepare this immediately or completely, I will non requite up on helping you lot if you practise not give up on me while I endeavor to help you."
— Michael Dorn, Author, Weakfish: Bullying Through the Eyes of a Child | Mind to Michael's insight

"I will not requite up on helping you" is a crucial message to ship someone who's on the receiving cease of bullying. Information technology's also a helpful thing to say to someone who's doing the bullying. Because, as Signe Whitson said in her interview on Unrestrained, "immature people deserve to be taught better means to behave. And so we're actually doing kids a service."

Don't miss a goldmine of more resource

As well in our School Bullying Prevention project, two experts nosotros interviewed together said there'southward no way they could limit their What-to-Say-to-Someone-Who'due south-Bullying response to just one sentence. To see what Wendy Craig and Debra Pepler of Prevnet (Promoting Relationships & Eliminating Violence Network) had to say, check out their profile.

You'll find all 31 respondents on that folio — plus details almost each expert'due south book, website, project, org, or research — as well as loads of resources to help you stop bullying and protect growing hearts and minds.

And please share in the comments beneath — what would you say to offset the chat nigh stopping bullying?

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Source: https://www.crisisprevention.com/Blog/What-to-Say-to-a-Bully

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